The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
