Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
