when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
