You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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