my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
reminds me of losing my job
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable