we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
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She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
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He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I am never drinking with the goths again.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"