there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
