i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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