Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
