What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
