Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
