Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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