I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
no, he came in my armpit
Farmville is her only friend.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
