He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
