I met the friendliest cop last night
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
