in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Randomize
