I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
