you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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