don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
