One girl and one boy is just not enough.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I stole a fireplace last night.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
