you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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