I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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