Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
