he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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