guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I had to cum in my sink.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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