I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
