Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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