I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
