I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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