Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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