Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
