I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
