I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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