I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
