Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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