Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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