I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
