So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
handjob tips. give me some.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
