We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize