Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
