if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just googled if crying burns calories
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
