Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
i now understand why vodka
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
