and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
