Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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