If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
