Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
