I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
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Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
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I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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