How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize