I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
