I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Houston, we have a blender
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
