i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You smell like stripper and shame
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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