I think I won the penis lottery.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
