Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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