people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
