if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
do herpes really smell.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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