Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
