Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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